This week I matured, and hopefully evolved, a wee bit.
I am a nurse. I went into nursing not for the “great pay and flexible hours” (Really? Are we trying to convince people that those exist? SMH…), but for more altruistic reasons. Ken had a serious ATV accident back in 2007, and spent a week in the trauma unit at the hospital where I now work. As I was helping him wash up one day, it hit me how vulnerable people are when they are sick, hurt. I know, “Duh – what did you expect?” But the way I looked at it at that moment was, I wanted to be there for others during those moments – to aid, to comfort, to help heal. In my mind if a relatively healthy 37 year old male with a good support system was struggling, think of the needs of those with far less.
So, throwing caution to the wind as I often do with my BEST decisions, I started nursing school. There were many obstacles and roadblocks thrown in my path – many of them in my own mind; some related to being a full time mother, and then of course, there was my crappy thyroid who decided to go all cancerous on me during my last semester. Amazingly, I got past all of these. Amazing – because by nature, I am a quitter. Yep, I am. I have very little stick-to-it-tiveness.
(Bear with me, I’ll get to the point of this blog post eventually.)
I’m coming up on my two year anniversary of being a nurse at my first choice hospital. It has caused me many sleepless nights, weight gain due to post shift stress eating (“Hoovering” is more like it), tears on the drive home, and endless self doubt. Most recently, it has made me start thinking “Phht – what does it matter. No one seems to appreciate what I do.” We’re talking major pity party here.
In whining to Ken about “None of my patients fill out WOW cards for me. What more do they want? My blood? They’ve already got my sweat, sanity, and poor neglected bladder”, he just looked at me and said “What does it matter? You know what you do. God sees what you do. That’s all that matters.”
Hearing that from my spouse who doesn’t always put things in a spiritual framework (as he is a man driven by science and logic), slapped me right upside the head. What a self centered idiot I am. It’s not about me and how I appear to co-workers and management. It is about what goes on in that room between me and another human being.
“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”
I in no way liken myself to Mother Teresa. Trust me – I am prone to more than occasional selfishness, cattiness, sloth, and bitchiness. But maybe, just maybe – if I can keep my focus on this 99.9% of the time, I just might start getting things right.